Ditch the Karma Chameleon and Become a Karma Butterfly!

What I love about the meaning of "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club is that if you aren't true to yourself and act like how you feel, then you get "karma-justice". It's nature's way of paying you back. You're editing yourself to please people. Dang, Boy George, that's deep. Another reason why I love this song is they borrowed the "karma chameleon" phrase from Toots and the Maytals, from the song "In the Dark". It also has what I'm hoping is a Riddler from Batman reference.

We've all made some poor choices and at times compromised ourselves one way or another. I'm definitely not an exception. My ego has gotten the best of me and totally came back to bite me in the ass. I've gone after a guy a friend was interested in even though I myself didn't really care much for, just to create unnecessary competition. I've done my fair share of not saying nice things to people. Did I feel good about doing all of those things? At the time, maybe. I've lost some friends that way, maybe even respect from others because of poor choices I've made. Tying back to last week's post about learning how to say no, doing things out of feeling like there is an obligation, out of guilt, is also lying to yourself. You'll have to pay for that, too.

I don't feel like I'm any better than anyone, but I do feel like I'm more aware of and am working to be more mindful of my words and actions. I think it's better to acknowledge that I've been a shitty person at times but am working on becoming better to myself and others. I could have chosen to know I've done and said less than favorable things without making any efforts to improve myself as a person. Which would you choose?

I don't regret, am ashamed, or feel bad my past, because those experiences brought me to who am today. I've been choosing to be the best version of myself so I don't cheat myself out of truly experiencing life. At one point, I constantly felt like I was lying to myself. Sometimes I still get little slivers of doubt cutting into me, but it passes.

I just realized there's a Korean pop group called Girls Generation (aka SNSD) that has a song titled "Karma Butterfly". Its lyrics have similar themes to what I think of as a Karma Butterfly. Nice to know I'm in good company. As a Karma Butterfly, you allow yourself to consume what's good for you, process it, and emerge as a beautiful being that nourishes itself with sweetness as it travels to many gardens.

It's Okay to Say No.

I'm a people-pleaser. I can't help it. I love helping make people feel better and contributing my skills to help the people I adore. It used to worry me if someone wasn't happy, especially if I couldn't do as well of a job as I hoped it would. There have been times when I would compromise myself because I would feel bad and worry that I couldn't be there for someone because, oh gosh, I wouldn't have been asked to help if they thought I wasn't capable for doing the requested job (or favor). Afterwards, I would feel exhausted and that the quality of the work wasn't as good as it could have been to my standards. Then the cycle starts again.

Recovery on my low back and left hip is taking a lot longer than I would like. It's a huge test on my patience and boundaries. This past Saturday, I auditioned for a play for fun. It felt so great to play on stage and interact with everyone. I figured out how I would make things work if I was in the production. On Sunday, I spent three hours decluttering my room, sorting out what to keep, donate/give away, and throw away. I was inspired by my Letting Go post. It was cathartic since it was time for change. I didn't do anything that would contort my body in weird ways, I didn't do any heavy lifting. I took my time, took breaks by stretching and resting. At the end of my decluttering session, I could feel the low back and left hip firing up. I was happy I organized my dresser and closet (trying to do it by categories the Marie Kondo way) but felt frustrated that I started hurting again. I was mad. I did everything "right", but I still felt like crap. But I listened to my body.

On Monday, I got offered a role in the play and I sadly had to turn it down. It wasn't the right time to take on another huge project with a commitment of seven weeks. Rehearsals start next week, just when I finished 11 months of massage school. I wouldn't have been able to give my best if I was still juggling pain management treatments. There needs to be breathing room, to clear out what doesn't serve me at home, and to just pause. I need to be grounded before taking on something else major.

Previously, I would have jumped into doing another project. I would tell myself, it's okay, I can work through the stuff that's bothering me, just push it aside. In the beginning, after the car accident, I thought I should have quit massage school. I'm glad I didn't, though. I took breaks when I needed to, and still made up hours. I banked on some extra hours. Thankfully I have the extra hours because I had to cancel my appointments today since the increased pain caused me to lose sleep. My clients were understanding, and we plan to do practice sessions when I feel better since I will need to keep my skills up. I didn't feel bad about it, and they weren't angry that I had to cancel.

Later on today I will be having a deep 2 hour body work session by a therapist recommended to me by a friend who's experienced a lot of body trauma from injuries. My friend warned me that it won't be a pleasant massage at all, but I'm fine with that. When I texted the therapist this morning, I said I'm ready for deep work that will make me cry bucket loads of grateful, cleansing tears. I know it's going to be tortuously painful, but sometimes you have to go through that to feel better. I'm not afraid of it because there are parts that are still locked up but need to be released.

When I spent so much time helping others, I often forgot about helping myself. Many times I've neglected spending time with loved ones, getting a haircut, eating healthier, getting a massage, sorting through my stuff, and resting just to give myself to others when I should have politely declined, taken time for myself instead, or rescheduled.  If you're a people-pleaser, it's important to give yourself the same value of the time you give to others. This also doesn't mean to do a complete turn-around and not help people at all. Listen to your body if it's telling you something doesn't feel right. Just pause for a moment and remind yourself you don't have to do everything now because you're asked to and you're obligated, and, and.... Seriously, it's okay to not answer that text or email right away, or say you'll get back to them, or say no. They're not right for your life, anyway, if they cause a big fuss just because you're establishing your boundaries. It's tough, it may hurt, but it will feel better.

Teach and Be Kind to Reach Open Minds

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about teachers I had during my formative years. I've had some great ones, and some awful ones. Quite a few of my clients and some friends are teachers as well so I like to hear about what they go through.

I give grade school teachers (particularly public school teachers) a lot of credit. It's tough to be able to keep your cool while some students have meltdowns, are disruptive, or just plain unmotivated. There's all this bureaucracy, standards, lack of budget, and countless odds stacked against them. There's parents who think teachers are glorified babysitters who HAVE to pass their students. Oh, please. If your kid didn't do the work, it's up to the student to own up to their responsibilities. Parents can't just swoop in every time their kid makes a mistake, especially if their children are old enough to know about their consequences.

It takes a special kind of person to be able to tolerate all of that and more, and to be passionate enough to show up day in and day out. When my son was in 6th and 7th grade, I volunteered at his school often: served lunch, helped with physical activities, attended parent committee meetings, chaperoned dances. I was able to see the students and teachers in different settings and sometimes got to be a fly on the wall. At one point I thought I could get into teaching grade school. After volunteering and listening to grade school teachers' perspectives, I decided it would be better if I stick to volunteering and to teaching in other ways.

During my freshman year of high school, I transferred from Hawai'i to Florida during winter break. I was blown away with how different it was for me when I first moved there. I ended up in Dade County in South Florida, with its prevalent Latin culture, cold fronts, 95 South (the Interstate Highway, but you can count the musical group), South Beach, and much more. Dade County has a special place in my heart.

My freshman year high school English teacher in Florida, Ms. B, left an impression on me.  I think her class was my first class of the day. I was late to class because I spent the morning picking my classes since I couldn't do any registration during the holiday break. I remember the unnerving feeling of seeing a bunch of heads stopping and turning to look at me when I opened the classroom door.

My English teacher seemed really cool, she was probably in her mid-twenties. We did a lot of fun in-class activities and projects. Ms. B played music at the beginning of each class while we did a free-writing activity. Some students chose to write notes to each other (it was the mid-nineties, after all), or wrote random things. There was no penalty for the content of your writing material, you just had to write continuously for the entire length of the song. She was really into Tori Amos, Alanis Morissette, and Queensryche, and sometimes used their lyrics in tests. Once, she had a Tori Amos CD as a prize for the highest score in a test. I unfortunately didn't get it, and was pretty bummed. Ms. B was also a singer-songwriter.

Ms. B also had us do fun  group projects and activities. In one group, we made a film trailer for A Tale of Two Cities, where I had my first taste of male drag and film making with a larger group. Our class got to update a scene "Romeo and Juliet" because the Baz Luhrman version was popular at the time. We had to get permission slips signed by our parents to see the Zeffirelli version in class because of Olivia Hussey's boobs. She took us to see "Hamlet" and I was enamored with the black box production. It was simple with minimal set but Renaissance-era costumes, with a Latin actor as Hamlet. I thought (and still think) it was awesome the director casted a Latin actor to play the lead.

I had quite a few awesome teachers during grade school but I think Ms. B was the first to influence me in my interest in Shakespeare as well as furthering my interests in literature, writing, performing, and film. She showed me that teachers don't necessarily have to be fuddy-duddies and actually had interesting lives outside of the classroom. She also incorporated her hobbies and personality into class material. Oh, and she was also good with feedback. We had to write our reactions to a set of chapters from whatever novel we studied. I also remember once showing her the passages I highlighted in A Tale of Two Cities. When she showed me her copy and we noticed we highlighted some of the same ones, I remember wanting to do a little victory dance.

Ms. B doesn't teach high school anymore, but I found out she got into life coaching. She freelances as a writer and also continues to be a singer/songwriter. She also yoga, chanting, and photography. I haven't reached out to her yet but I plan to. I'm not sure if she'll remember me but it's not a big deal if she doesn't since she had many students through the years. If anything, I just want to extend my gratitude to her for being a positive influence in my life.

I really appreciate the effort that passionate and hard-working teachers put in to enrich their students' lives. I'm fortunate that my son has some really great teachers at his school who are great at communicating. It's like we're all a team working together to bring out the best in him, but we're not sugar-coating everything. We've had struggles with him getting organized, turning work in on time, putting his things away (and remembering where they are). He's come so far from the kid who constantly misplaced his reusable water bottles, lunch containers, lunch bags, homework, and text books to someone who is more accountable for his actions. It was tough love but I think being able to be in touch with his teachers really helped. He still has a ways to go but there's remarkable improvement. I also think since he's now in eighth grade, he realizes he really has to step up his game. At the end of the school year, the eighth graders need to do a portfolio defense, showing evidence that they are ready to progress to ninth grade.

Teaching grade school isn't for everyone. I know the burnout rate is pretty high, particularly for public school teachers. Once you lose that passion, move on. You're not helping anyone, including yourself. For those die-hard teachers out there, I applaud you. Parents/guardians, loved ones, and the child all need to be involved in doing their parts. I understand it's not the teacher's sole job to shape their students' minds, but you do spend a chunk of time with them during the school week.  Thank you for getting in the trenches and being in the front lines for shaping the youth.

Letting Go: It's So Metal.

One of my favorite guided meditations is an Honest Guys one about letting go. 

I imagined I was in a safe garden and had balloons representing things I needed to let go. At first I thought, well, it's bad to release balloons in the air, where is this going? But I stayed with it. I didn't want to give the balloons pretty colors, so I thought of yucky colors.

The first color was a murky blackish red, it almost looked toxic congealed blood. This one represented the negative past romantic relationships I had.

The second color was black, but it was like the "pit of despair" kind of black. Not a slick, shiny black, but the kind you look at and you just feel like you could fall into it and be miserable. This one represented past sexual trauma.

The third color was a gross pus - like yellow orange. Like pus mixed with a little bit of blood. This one represented the mental and emotional distress I experienced, as well as the stigma from having a previous mental illness diagnosis. In the past I had been hospitalized and medicated.

The fourth color was a rotten green, that looked like decay. This one represented my low self-esteem and the need to be perfect. I don't have to compare myself to others and wish I am all "caught up" to everyone else.

As the guided meditation went on, it said to imagine trying to let go of one of the balloons, but it sticks to you.

You're probably wondering what's so positive about all of this.

Letting go is difficult.  But then you relax and acknowledge the pain, you just let it go and watch it float up into the air. It then pops. The string disappeared too, by the way.

So you let go of each of the balloons. They all float up, one by one, and pop. 

I felt a lot better afterwards. Guided meditation is a powerful self-healing tool for me. I noticed I haven't been feeling as bogged down with the past.

My acupressure instructor (also a licensed acupuncturist) had us pick an element or an alternative method of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) to do a  brief report on. I picked the metal element, since I'm a metal rooster. Metal governs the large intestine and the lungs. Psychologically, it relates to grief and sadness but also inspiration and wisdom. Autumn signifies letting go of negative influences and making room for positive influences.

A person with a balanced metal energy is conscientious, well-organized, and self-disciplined. The lungs are full of Qi energy and protect us from illness. Emotionally, we let go of what no longer serves us. Digestion is smooth and easy. Metal imbalance includes susceptibility to colds, allergies, and shortness of breath. The lung meridian also affects the skin, so rashes, eczema, and sweating problems can be related to a metal imbalance. Constipation (and other bowel problems) can afflict those who have a metal imbalance and can manifest in a form of depression because a person has a hard time letting go.

I'm not sure if they're coincidences, but I look back to the times when I was under extreme stress and had bouts of depression. I noticed I had digestive problems and/or allergy flare ups.  It was horrible. Eating certain food would give me negative digestive reactions ranging from gas to diarrhea to vomiting. I had acid reflux and had to take Prilosec. I was pescatarian for seven years then gluten free for nearly three years because any time I ate land animals and later anything with wheat, my body didn't like it. I always had sinus infections because I used to live in a place with carpeting and worked in a place that had a lot of dust. At one point my left nostril felt permanently clogged. I even went back to smoking regularly at one point because I was so stressed. I still occasionally bum cigarettes if I'm out but I'm working on it.

After I reduced the stress and changed my home and work environments, my digestive and allergy issues gradually lessened. I'm still mostly pescatarian, but I cautiously reintroduced land animals and wheat. Bacon was the gateway meat for me, haha. I don't need to take any meds for acid reflux and allergies anymore. I do get affected by the vog, but I can feel the difference between having vog-induced sinus problems and a dust allergy flare-up. Everyone is different and with the help of my GP and allergist, I was able to break away from being dependent on allergy and acid reflux meds. I've also weaned myself off of meds for mental illness with the help of a therapist and psychiatrist. Every month i check in with my MDs to make sure I'm doing okay. Again, each person is different so I'm not telling everyone to get off their meds.

In TCM, autumn is also a good time to get rid of material possessions that no longer have any value to you. I usually get rid of things seasonally. Mostly I have old papers that I need to file or shred, so I need to get myself a filing box and to dig out the shredder. I don't allow myself to buy new clothes unless I get rid of some of them. I do have some clothes and kitchen appliances that I'm hanging on to but plan to get rid of. Perhaps I should pick up Marie Kondo's book for some pointers.

It's mind-blowing to me that I unintentionally tied in my metal element research with the guided meditation of letting go I recently started doing. We technically don't have four seasons in Hawai'i. I, however, like the idea of looking at how time passes in cycles here, too, and incorporating how other cultures mark the passage of time.

I love learning about different cultures and how similar and different they are. I am fortunate to have grown up in places that had diverse cultures and to have open minded parents. Mostly, I see how similar they are, particularly the connection to nature.

I had no idea massage school would be such a soul-searching type of experience, but I'm glad to be exposed to various types of philosophies and modalities. There's so much more out there to learn but it's so exhilarating to deepen my knowledge.

Autumn is around the corner, but why not get a head start? Clear the air, clear the bad shit. Make room for growth. Take a deep breath. Ahhhh, so much better! That's so frickin' metal.

Bring Da Pain (To Da Table)

In three in a half weeks, I'll be finished with my massage therapy program. At first I thought I should wait until the last week to write about my thoughts on how I've felt about the program so far but I felt like writing something now. We are required to log 100 hours of massage clinic, but so far I've done 130. I needed to make up the 22 hours I lost before starting clinic. I took time off for a few mom things, from my car accident, and ear surgery. I could technically stop taking in clients since I've made more than enough but I'd rather practice and earn more hours. Who knows where I'll end up after my son graduates from high school (in 2020), I may end up somewhere else or will need x amount of hours for more certifications. In Hawai'i, we're required to have a minimum of 570 hours and we have our own state board licensing exam. Some other states require a national certification exam, so it really depends where you live.

My Lomi Lomi instructor required us to write journals during his class. He thinks we should constantly take time for self reflection. It's been helping me a lot with gathering my thoughts and processing what has happened to me lately. I used to have journals in hardcover books with unlined pages, but I moved around and got rid of volumes of journals filled with negative thoughts and awful memories. Sometimes, I regret throwing them away because I occasionally want see how far I've come. At the same time, I tell myself it's part of letting go. As I mentioned in my uber-long catch up post, I recently started a gratitude journal as part of a Sean Anchor exercise. Tonight will be my last entry in the 21 day happiness challenge and it's been so helpful. I noticed I've complained a lot less and am not as anxious. I did have a PMS-related meltdown but that's normal for me. I included that in a gratitude journal entry, actually. I think I will continue making gratitude journal entries since it's a healthy habit for me.

I've been processing what my Lomi instructor brought up last week. He reads our journals but doesn't personally reply to them. Instead, he replies to us in front of the class, but doesn't address us individually. The journals I sent him have been pretty personal, since he said he doesn't share them with anyone else. I figured if I wanted to learn more about myself, that I should be as vulnerable as possible. I'm going to paraphrase what he said last week in response to some of our journal entries: "All of that pain you've had...you bring it with you to your [massage] table. The emotional pain, the physical pain. You know what it's like to hurt and to use that in a way to help people". When you're hurt, you want someone to help you. I've decided to be that someone. At least I will do what I can. My Lomi teacher said it's not about giving the deepest pressure and getting every single knot out. We can only do so much with the capacity of our strength. Sometimes there isn't enough allotted time in the session to get every single knot. It's the genuine intent from the therapist that will help bring relief to the client.

I'm grateful for all of those who allowed me to help them in some way with relieving their pain. Some of them are my friends, others are acquaintances and others were complete strangers who became clients. I've seen scars from injuries: accidents, surgeries, or even from self-harm. I can tell if someone's overworked or pushing themselves a little bit too much (physically and/or mentally). Some of the people I worked on aren't always forthcoming about what troubles (or troubled) them, usually from inner turmoil and stress. They tell me they feel fine, but sometimes their bodies show otherwise. I do my best to honor and respect the space and time we've allowed to take care of a client. Everyone has their varying degrees of comfort levels and I don't want anyone to feel unsafe.

The body stores a lot of memories, and massages, especially deep tissue massage, can cause an emotional reaction. Sighing, laughing, muscle twitching, and crying are common reactions. No judgement here. Massage is a healing touch the provides tension release and the client can always stop the session if there are any negative memories that are brought up. We are taught to be mindful of our clients by creating boundaries, checking in with how they are feeling, and asking for permission from them.

Being open to others, however, doesn't mean to let my guard down. As massage therapists, it's important to protect ourselves from energy burnout. I've done a lot of self care and established boundaries as a hairstylist since there is touch interaction with our clients, but it is definitely nowhere near as much as doing bodywork. Self awareness of physical and emotional health is especially important as a bodyworker. Staying grounded, keeping a protective energy barrier for yourself, and cleansing (shaking out the hands and hand washing) after a session are some ways I take care of myself during when I'm in clinic.

I'm not an expert on massage, obviously, but I'm enthusiastic about discovering what I'm capable of on the table and in life in general. Thirty-four years have passed but parts of me feel like I'm much older. Wiser? Not quite. Other parts of me still feel like I haven't "grown up" yet but I'm not too worried about it. There's so much more out there to experience but they will happen in due time. I've fallen down and gotten back up numerous occasions. I recall seeing a kintsukuroi meme online and I do feel like it fits me.

A couple of years ago I found a fantastic Elephant Journal post about Akhilandeshvari, a Hindu goddess of Never Not Broken. She is constantly in flux and rejects her fear while riding on a crocodile. I look back at this article every now and then, to remind myself that I'm doing just fine.

One of the things my mom has said to me since I was a little kid is I'm "lakas ng loob". In Tagalog that roughly means "strong of inside", or strong-willed. I think being lakas ng loob has given me the drive to stay motivated and not be so easily discouraged. 

Pain can be your teacher. I'm not saying to actively seek pain, but I'm saying that suffering can teach you a lot about yourself. It can make you look at how you want to solve your problems, how to alleviate the pain. It can make you more empathetic towards others...at least I hope so. There are people out there who believe unhappy people deserve their misfortunes. You're not my friend if you feel that way. 

Throughout my life I had depression and eventually sought out professional help. I'm so appreciative of all the help and support I've gotten through the years to manage it. Acknowledging pain is one of the most valuable things I've done to improve my well-being. Everyone deals with pain differently, and I'm working on figuring out what works for me. In the meantime, I'll continue to take what I've endured, understand it to my utmost ability, and be of service to others (to the extent of my personal boundaries) while taking care of myself.

Oh, hello. I am a Renaissance Soul.

It's been a looooong while since I've updated. A Renaissance Soul is a bad-ass person who has a variety of interests. Prime examples are Benjamin Franklin and Maya Angelou.

Here's a rundown of what has happened since I last posted on this blog. It's been quite the ride!

May 2011 to December 2011

• Continued working in the salon, going to school part time (BA in Art History to possibly work with arts education non-profits), mommy stuff (started having my son full time in June), DJ'ed for KTUH on Mondays 9:00 am to noon HST (The Garden with Michelle LaBelle). Got monthly massages as part of my self care routine (something I established in Cosmetology school).

2012

• February: Directed 3 monologues from the ARTS at Marks Garage production of "The Vagina Monologues" by Eve Ensler. They were "The Flood" with Pam Schildknecht, "What if I Told You I Did Not Have a Vagina" with Amina Peterson, and "I Was There in the Room", with Lori Kimata. I was so lucky to have them in my pieces. I think we raised around $6 k for the Domestic Violence Action Center.

The directors from this production: Terri Madden, Tony Pisculli, Michelle Poppler, Me, and Lola Love. Photo by Eleanor Svaton, from her theatre review blog Enter Offstage.

• Continued working in the salon, part time school, mommy stuff, KTUH (until December 31, 2012). Lots of cool DJ gigs including BFA shows at UH, UH Art Department Faculty art show,  KTUH used music sales, and Smoke.

From the Ka Leo Article "No More 'Art for Art's Sake'" by Chasen Davis. Photo also by Chasen.

• Did some fun theatre projects as well. "Richard III" was from summer, "Alice" happened in the fall.

From the Hawai'i Shakespeare Festival Production of "Richard III", directed by Tony Pisculli at the ARTS at Marks Garage. Photo of me as a Murderer by Chesley Cannon. I played York, one of the Murderers, Tyrell, one of Richmond's soldiers. I also did hair and makeup and chose the 1940's era jazz music.

From LCC's "Alice in Wonderland", directed by Betty Burdick. I played the Dormouse (and ensemble), Melissa Kenigton played the March Hare, and Reb Beau Allen played the Mad Hatter. I also helped with makeup for the ensemble. Photo by Salem Sipes.

2013

Although I stopped playing on the air (except I got to DJ on the air when Vic Ruggiero and Jesse Wagner did Monday Night Live...thanks, Rice Cookah), I did a few DJ gigs including Girl Fest, Mardi Gras, and some KTUH DJ Takeovers.

I took a break from school to do more family stuff (hello, school parent committee) and continued to work in the salon.  I began practicing yoga regularly, including Buddhi Yoga (later renamed Shakti Flow), a fusion of dance, yoga, fitness, and meditation. 

May: "Inner Demon" by Brad Crawford is a short film project that will be in post-production forever, it seems. It was fun shooting it, though.

• January to October: I attempted vocals in a 1960s soul/funk cover band called The Barbarellas, which was fun while it lasted. I learned I'm better at karaoke and dancing and acting like a singer, but I'm not really a singer. Haha! Good times. 

L to R, back row: Tyson Balmores on drums, Alex Gallichotte on bass, Dexter Lum on guitar.

L to R, front row: Malia Baloyot, me, and Sonnett Parks. Photos by Robert West. (above and below)

Flyer design by Blane Nishizawa. The Barbarellas Logo by Julia Lenore. PC (L to R): Jonathan Reyn, Malia Leinau, and Kaveh Kardan

• Life happened. Malia got pregnant, Sonnett moved away to become an astronomer. We tried auditioning some girls and we had Stephanie Kong join. 
• We had a gig to play the Zombie Crawl but I couldn't make it. Luckily they held it down because I was in the ER that day and later admitted to the hospital.
•  I remember constantly having a problem with my right ear...like it felt stuffed. Sometimes it felt like shouting in a fog. Like I had a bucket on my head. It came and it went but was more apparent when I was stressed out. My GP was the one who prescribed the antibiotics and ibuprofen because he thought I had an ear infection and had congestion, plus I had some bad headaches. I insisted something was wrong with my ear and he referred me to a ENT, so I saw him the day after that appointment. The ENT looked in my ear through a scope that went up my nose and saw that I had a patulous eustachian tube. The following day, I ended up in the ER.
• It turned out I had acute renal failure. Basically I had an allergic reaction to antibiotics prescribed to me (vomiting) and the prescribed ibuprofen constricted the blood vessels in my kidneys. I couldn't keep any fluids down, and I asked my friend Sarah to drop me off at the ER and take my son to school for me. Thank goodness for technology. I was able to text a whole bunch of people to let them know I was okay but wanted privacy, to have my son taken care of while I was admitted, and to tell the band members to keep playing.

Gotta keep smiling!

• Halloween is one of my most favorite holidays. I was out of the hospital for a little more than a week but I HAD to go out to Hallowbaloo. Not only because my bf's band played in it, but I knew going out to participate would make me feel better. I put together a Bride of Chucky costume (bf was Chucky, of course). I watched their set, walked around a little, armed myself with a bottle of water, and after about 2 hours, I was ready to go home since I still got tired easily. It was worth it, though.

Me as Bride of Chucky. I used a black sharpie and black hairspray color on the roots of a blonde wig, bought a fake knife, did my makeup. Already had the clothes lying around. White contacts were supposed to be for the Zombie Crawl. Photo by Alissa Lee.

• I took it easy the rest of the year. No big projects, just spending time with loved ones. I did things that I enjoyed. Got lots of therapeutic massage, did some healing mantras and guided meditation from home, but not as much as I would have liked. Continued to eat as clean as possible.

Although I was taking it easy, I still had to go out and support SB-1. I ran into awesome folks, including Amina, who was in one of the Vagina Monologues pieces I directed. Love wins! 

2014

• February: Started feeling a lot better. Continued self care practicing including yoga, Buddhi Yoga, and massage. I worked on my screenplay and finally gave it a title: "Water Wings in Paradise". It's about a woman in her mid-20s floundering her way in Hawaii. Kind of like an alternate universe version of me, but not really. Haha.  I'm near my mid-30s and am a single mom, and am definitely not floundering.
• My friend Johanna Rhyins came to visit and took some photos with her Rollieflex camera. Steph, Rikita, and her room mate also came along and had some photos taken. 

Photo by Johanna Rhyins @ Puu Ualakaa State Park. It had been four months since acute renal failure and I felt great, stronger than ever. This photo means a lot to me because it was the first "pretty" photo I've taken in a while. Thanks, Jo!

• February/March: Fernando Pacheco asked me to be the announcer for his new show, "Almost Local". We shot the studio segments of episodes 1-4  in one day. Special thanks to Andrea Rodriguez for being on set (as a studio audience member turned hairstylist) for helping me change my outfits and change my hairstyle for each episode. I chose to have Michelle LaBelle as a stage name since I still enjoy using that name.
  

Michelle LaBelle and Fernando Pacheco on set. Photo by Linda Enos.

Eleanor Svaton asked me for an interview for a Hawai'i Shakespeare Festival profile, since I've acted and done hair and makeup design for them for a few productions. I was also Assistant Director for a production of "King John", but ended up stepping in. It was nice to do the interview since I was coming off from being on the mend.

Late March: Oops, took a spill while ice skating at Ice Palace. I tried to get off the rink, I crashed into a kid and fell, then another kid ran over my right pinky finger. Ouch. Luckily, nothing broken, just a contusion. The pinky was a little weak but I pushed through. I was still able to do some yoga, with limitations. I did more gentle classes and avoided bearing weight on my right pinky.

Photo by Ding at Miss Catwings' Ice Palace birthday party.

• April: Taught hair and makeup for a Pin Up/Showgirl Workshop with the Academy of Tease (thanks, Lola Love) and rented a chair from a salon. Teaching was awesome and didn't require me to use my pinky too much. However, shampooing and working on hair all day was a bit sore, and I wasn't as busy as I thought it would be (a six month hiatus will do that) so I had to give up renting the chair. It was fun while it lasted.

Graduation photos with my students by Firebird Photography.

Top row, L to R: Kehau, Michele, Terry.

Bottom row, L to R: Athena, me.

 With Pamela.

From my short stint renting a chair. At least I look nice!

• May: I spent a lot of time volunteering at the ARTS at Marks Garage as a gallery sitter. It was a lot of fun and gave me an idea what it would be like to work in an art gallery/performance space. I wanted to go back to school part time to get my Art History degree and decided to enroll part time for the Fall 2014 semester.

Photo by James Anshutz. I think this was for some kind of brochure.

Late May: Returned to the work force as a part time receptionist at a physical therapy clinic. Had to figure out how to pay for tuition and wanted really good insurance. Because, 'Murica. :-/

July: Took a weekend certification for Buddhi Yoga (later renamed Shakti Flow) from Jessica Abner. It was amazing and truly liberating to lead a group of women in various shapes and sizes to work out and dance in a safe place with no judgement. Lots of smiles, sweat, and laughter.

• Designed makeup for Hawai'i Shakespeare Festival's "Edward III", directed by Jason Kanda.
• Fall: I started school. I was so excited! I took only one class, Tagalog 101, because I haven't taken any languages yet. I used to be a lot more bilingual so I decided to take this class. Luckily, I lived close to school and was able to walk over.
• September/October: I started to do hair and makeup on the side again, but really wanted to learn massage therapy as well. It was part of my self care routine since 2008, and being at the physical therapy clinic also inspired me. I decided to go to massage therapy school, which was also located on the same campus of my academic class. I let go of a leadership position for my son's school parent committee, but volunteered whenever I could.
• Designed makeup for "Sweet Soiree", a burlesque singalong play by Pretty Peacock Productions.
• I started teaching Shakti Flow once a week at the ARTS at Marks Garage, thanks to the Academy of Tease. My classes were really small, but I had a lot of fun working with the students' fitness level, and channeling my DJ skills by throwing together killer playlists on Spotify.

Photo by Josh Weissman.

2015

•  January: I ended up getting an A in Tagalog 101, and was eager to start my photography class in the spring since I needed 3 art studio classes. Tagalog 102 got canceled due to lack of enrollment, so I figured I could take an art studio class.
• The day after I had an awesome group massage practice session with some classmates (with the guidance of a licensed massage therapist), I dropped my son off at school then was on my way to work. I got into a car accident.

• My car got totaled. What's funny is within a few minutes after the accident, as I waited for the police, I got an Amazon Local Deal alert for acupuncture at $45. I had been to that clinic before and it's walking distance from my place, so after getting my car towed, calling my insurance, and resting a bit, I went over to my acupuncturist and explained my situation then got treatment.
• The next day I went to a walk-in orthopedic clinic and got some X-rays and was given pain killers and a muscle relaxant. I'm pretty stubborn when it comes to taking stuff like that and only took it if I needed to.
• Spring semester started but I had weird vision problems. I couldn't focus on my camera, and my vision was a bit blurry even though I wore my glasses. I still went to massage school (I definitely took a few days off after the accident) and my classmates gave me rides to and from class. 
• My sinuses and my right ear (oh great, again?) started giving me problems. I was born with a preauricular sinus pit and I never had any issues with it. However, it started to get inflamed and wouldn't get better, even with Keflex. Within days it swelled and I was told I had to get a PICC line of antibiotics for a month to treat it. Luckily, I had to get an incision and drainage (eww, I know) and didn't need to get a PICC line. My ENT (the same one who discovered my patulous eustachian tube, which is doing a lot better nowadays) told me it would be better to remove the sinus pit after a few months.
• I continued massage therapy school and did what I could. I took a break from work, withdrew from my photography class. I stopped teaching Shakti Flow. My treatments included chiropractic, acupuncture, and therapeutic massage.  I was also able to trade massages with classmates. It felt like I was a case study and we've taken note of my progress. I also did yoga (mostly restorative) and guided meditation.
•  "Almost Local" got picked up and the episodes started airing in January on OC 16. New episodes every second Wednesday at 6:00 PM HST, but episodes are also online.
  
  
  

• March: I quit my job to focus on getting better (pain and stress was no bueno) and continued massage school. We shot the studio segments of  episodes 5-8 of "Almost Local" in one day. Andrea helped a bit, but I made it easier by wearing a hair fall and just did a Bettie roll up front. She just needed to help with dressing and touch up the hair.
• Mid-April: Ear surgery! It was weird to have a piece of me that had been with me since birth easily removed. It wasn't quite so easy, the procedure usually takes half an hour to an hour but mine took an hour and a half. I had to go under because the trigeminal nerve is near the sinus pit, and if the nerve became nicked, I would have a droopy face. Anyway, no droopy face, I was pretty sore from the right side of my head down to the right side of my neck.  
• End of April: Started massage clinic. Need 100 hours of massage clinic by the end of the program.
• May: started physical therapy. My C3 was rotated (therefore initially affecting my vision and sinuses), had headaches, and pain in my left lumbar and left piriformis from the accident. I had  my left leg laterally rotated while I drove, so that was a hard lesson learned.
• June: was able to have a little bit more of a social life again.
• July: shot episodes 9-12 of "Almost Local"! 
• Clinicals started out as grueling on my body, but with time (and all of the treatments) have helped tremendously. I'm not 100% healed, but as of August, my C3 isn't rotated anymore and the joint movement in the cervical spine is remarkably better. There's still some subluxation and there are good days and bad days with the low back and left hip. I recently started doing more hair but I still don't think I can handle doing a full day of work on my feet just yet. A couple of weeks ago, I spent 6.5 hours on my friend's hair, changing box dye black with dark blonde 1.5" roots to a bright red violet. Hooray for Pravana and patience! By the end of that session, I had to take pain meds and muscle relaxant and got massaged by classmates two days in a row. Sitting for more than 2 hours at a time gets sore, too. 
• August: I've been balancing things out better. Most of my free time is spent with loved ones.  I also like to hang out by myself. I venture out and support the arts and local music scenes as much as possible. Restorative yoga and guided mediation are my pals. I've been able to go on a hike a couple of weeks ago on a mellow trail with minimum discomfort.
•  Recently, I've been doing Sean Anchor exercises. It's amazing how my outlook has changed in the past 14 days of the 21-day Happiness Exercise. Despite the ups and downs of my life, I've done what I can to maintain a positive outlook. I could always use as many helpful happiness tools as possible. But I let myself have my bad days. It's part of the process. I'm grateful for so much support from my loved ones and friends. I feel very fortunate. 

Sailor Jerry Festival (June) . L to R: Me, Diana J., and Andrea Rodriguez. Photo by Casey Ishitani with a photo bomb by Gina. Those Teeki yoga pants look great off the mat, too!

You must be wondering why I don't have photos of son or my bf, or have more details about them. I've been fortunate the have a strong support network of family and friends because parenting isn't something I can do by myself!  I've had my son full time since June 2011 and it's been awesome. I've involved him in as many of my projects as I could: bringing him to rehearsals and performances (play and band), yoga classes, workshops, kid-friendly KTUH events, volunteer ventures, etc. As for my bf, although he is a performer, I'd rather keep his identity private since he isn't much of a social media person. I know it's silly, but this blog is public, but my personal FB and IG accounts are private. I don't think I want to broadcast every little thing about my life. In the future I'll possibly include some anecdotes regarding relationships and family dynamics, but nothing too personal. If you know us, you know us.

What's next? I graduate from the massage therapy program in mid-September. I'm looking forward to spending more time with my son, my bf, and other loved ones and friends. I'm going to continue my self care. I want to practice more massage and continue to freelance with hair and makeup. My state board licensing exam for massage is in late November. I'm going to renew my cosmetology license in December. I'd like to finish the 36 credits left for my BA in Art History (hello, FAFSA, I'm looking at you). Basically I want to keep doing the things I enjoy and get paid for them, like always, but even more so, especially once I get my massage license.

I would also love to get my 200 hours in Yoga Teacher Training, and resume teaching Shakti Flow. I'd like to have "Water Wings in Paradise" produced ...even if a segment is a short film, broken down into mini-episodes, or made into a feature length film.  I'd like to return to theatre. I'd like to try Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, once my hip is 100% better.

The takeaway from the past four years: be thankful for a strong support system, take time for self care, find positive outlets, help yourself, help others, acknowledge the range of emotions when facing difficulties (and ride them out), and just keep going. Cheesy as it may sound, it's all about the journey.

There have definitely been many highs and lows with my life the past few years. I've gone through worse than what I've recently experienced and taken them like a champ. I've had some trauma, but I haven't allowed those incidents to define me. There was a time when I considered myself a victim but have moved beyond those incidents as a stronger person. I've survived and will continue to persevere.

My life has been quite colorful, even though I tend to wear lots of black. Haha. Black is left over from my goth days, black was a requirement in cosmetology school, and black makes it easier to get dressed and do laundry.
  

I'm not in a huge rush to do everything I have yet to do (finish BA, screenplay production, yoga teacher training, BJJ, theatre), but I've always been one to do things that I set my mind to. I don't have to do everything all at once. I'd rather be reasonably busy than crazy busy. 

Right now, though, I'll just be right here. Exactly where I need to be.

Set List 5/11/11 ***Last show on this time slot***

My last show on this time slot! Here's the link to my new blog. 

Galt MacDermott—Ripped Open By Metal Explosions

Shirley Bassey—Goldfinger

Spaceheater—Ghostplant

El Michels Affair—Shimmy Shimmy Ya

Nomo—New Song

Cal Tjader—Azucar Mama

Andy Harlow—Batumbique

Xavier Cugat—Ritmo Tropical

Willie Colon—Hustler

Ricardo Levmo & Makina Luca—Mambo Yo Yo

Cortijo Y Su Manquina Del Tiempo—Gumbo

Joe Bataan—Latin Soul

Eddie Russ—See the Light

Candido—Succulent

Tito Puente—El Timbal

Orchestre Poly Rythmo de Cotonou Dahomey—Minsatole, Mo Dayihome

Mercury Dance Band—Envy No Good

William Onyeabar—Better Change Your Mind

Fela Kuti—Let’s Start

Mulatu Astatke—Emnete

Deadline—Boat People

Charles Bradley—In You (I Found a Love)

Nicole Willis and the Soul Investigators—No One’s Gonna Love You

Adele—Lovesong

Sugarman 3 f/ Naomi Davis—The Promised Land

Breakestra f/ Afrodyte—Come on Over

Oscar Peterson & the Trio Set—Pompton Turnpike

Wes Montgomery—Trust in Me

Erroll Garner—My Heart Stood Still

Johnny Hamp’s Kentucky Seranaders—If I Had a Talking Picture of You

Tatum/Blakely/Rich—I’ll Never Be the Same

Gene Krupa with Buddy Steward—Lyonaise Potatoes and Some Pork Chops