Bring Da Pain (To Da Table)

In three in a half weeks, I'll be finished with my massage therapy program. At first I thought I should wait until the last week to write about my thoughts on how I've felt about the program so far but I felt like writing something now. We are required to log 100 hours of massage clinic, but so far I've done 130. I needed to make up the 22 hours I lost before starting clinic. I took time off for a few mom things, from my car accident, and ear surgery. I could technically stop taking in clients since I've made more than enough but I'd rather practice and earn more hours. Who knows where I'll end up after my son graduates from high school (in 2020), I may end up somewhere else or will need x amount of hours for more certifications. In Hawai'i, we're required to have a minimum of 570 hours and we have our own state board licensing exam. Some other states require a national certification exam, so it really depends where you live.

My Lomi Lomi instructor required us to write journals during his class. He thinks we should constantly take time for self reflection. It's been helping me a lot with gathering my thoughts and processing what has happened to me lately. I used to have journals in hardcover books with unlined pages, but I moved around and got rid of volumes of journals filled with negative thoughts and awful memories. Sometimes, I regret throwing them away because I occasionally want see how far I've come. At the same time, I tell myself it's part of letting go. As I mentioned in my uber-long catch up post, I recently started a gratitude journal as part of a Sean Anchor exercise. Tonight will be my last entry in the 21 day happiness challenge and it's been so helpful. I noticed I've complained a lot less and am not as anxious. I did have a PMS-related meltdown but that's normal for me. I included that in a gratitude journal entry, actually. I think I will continue making gratitude journal entries since it's a healthy habit for me.

I've been processing what my Lomi instructor brought up last week. He reads our journals but doesn't personally reply to them. Instead, he replies to us in front of the class, but doesn't address us individually. The journals I sent him have been pretty personal, since he said he doesn't share them with anyone else. I figured if I wanted to learn more about myself, that I should be as vulnerable as possible. I'm going to paraphrase what he said last week in response to some of our journal entries: "All of that pain you've had...you bring it with you to your [massage] table. The emotional pain, the physical pain. You know what it's like to hurt and to use that in a way to help people". When you're hurt, you want someone to help you. I've decided to be that someone. At least I will do what I can. My Lomi teacher said it's not about giving the deepest pressure and getting every single knot out. We can only do so much with the capacity of our strength. Sometimes there isn't enough allotted time in the session to get every single knot. It's the genuine intent from the therapist that will help bring relief to the client.

I'm grateful for all of those who allowed me to help them in some way with relieving their pain. Some of them are my friends, others are acquaintances and others were complete strangers who became clients. I've seen scars from injuries: accidents, surgeries, or even from self-harm. I can tell if someone's overworked or pushing themselves a little bit too much (physically and/or mentally). Some of the people I worked on aren't always forthcoming about what troubles (or troubled) them, usually from inner turmoil and stress. They tell me they feel fine, but sometimes their bodies show otherwise. I do my best to honor and respect the space and time we've allowed to take care of a client. Everyone has their varying degrees of comfort levels and I don't want anyone to feel unsafe.

The body stores a lot of memories, and massages, especially deep tissue massage, can cause an emotional reaction. Sighing, laughing, muscle twitching, and crying are common reactions. No judgement here. Massage is a healing touch the provides tension release and the client can always stop the session if there are any negative memories that are brought up. We are taught to be mindful of our clients by creating boundaries, checking in with how they are feeling, and asking for permission from them.

Being open to others, however, doesn't mean to let my guard down. As massage therapists, it's important to protect ourselves from energy burnout. I've done a lot of self care and established boundaries as a hairstylist since there is touch interaction with our clients, but it is definitely nowhere near as much as doing bodywork. Self awareness of physical and emotional health is especially important as a bodyworker. Staying grounded, keeping a protective energy barrier for yourself, and cleansing (shaking out the hands and hand washing) after a session are some ways I take care of myself during when I'm in clinic.

I'm not an expert on massage, obviously, but I'm enthusiastic about discovering what I'm capable of on the table and in life in general. Thirty-four years have passed but parts of me feel like I'm much older. Wiser? Not quite. Other parts of me still feel like I haven't "grown up" yet but I'm not too worried about it. There's so much more out there to experience but they will happen in due time. I've fallen down and gotten back up numerous occasions. I recall seeing a kintsukuroi meme online and I do feel like it fits me.

A couple of years ago I found a fantastic Elephant Journal post about Akhilandeshvari, a Hindu goddess of Never Not Broken. She is constantly in flux and rejects her fear while riding on a crocodile. I look back at this article every now and then, to remind myself that I'm doing just fine.

One of the things my mom has said to me since I was a little kid is I'm "lakas ng loob". In Tagalog that roughly means "strong of inside", or strong-willed. I think being lakas ng loob has given me the drive to stay motivated and not be so easily discouraged. 

Pain can be your teacher. I'm not saying to actively seek pain, but I'm saying that suffering can teach you a lot about yourself. It can make you look at how you want to solve your problems, how to alleviate the pain. It can make you more empathetic towards others...at least I hope so. There are people out there who believe unhappy people deserve their misfortunes. You're not my friend if you feel that way. 

Throughout my life I had depression and eventually sought out professional help. I'm so appreciative of all the help and support I've gotten through the years to manage it. Acknowledging pain is one of the most valuable things I've done to improve my well-being. Everyone deals with pain differently, and I'm working on figuring out what works for me. In the meantime, I'll continue to take what I've endured, understand it to my utmost ability, and be of service to others (to the extent of my personal boundaries) while taking care of myself.