Reach, Throw, Row, Go

What do you do when someone you care about is drowning in sorrow? You can't just leave that person flailing around, but you don't want to go down with them. You can't tread water with them the whole time because eventually, you'll both get tired. They may not want to go with you to a safer place. They may refuse to take the lifesaver.There comes a point when it's beyond your capabilities, and you need to call the lifeguard and get the rescue equipment, and the whole boat full of the rescue team.

Depression can really make life seem so difficult, where everything is bleak and not worth fighting for. As a person who experienced clinical depression, taken medication, and hospitalized a few times, it's definitely not something to be taken lightly. I've thankfully recovered, but it hurts when there are people out there, especially those who I care about, who have fallen into that hole. 

There have been times when I was near death by my own hand. It's hard to believe I put myself in those situations but it's really scary to think I could have thrown everything away. Dealing with the guilt afterwards was another thing, but eventually I moved on by letting go and moving forward. Other times, I was near death by accidents, and afterwards I fell into depression, too, because I thought to myself, why can't I get a break?

Even if you're in the darkness, if all you see is the dark and terrible things, that's all you'll see. I could have given up numerous times, but I desperately fought my way to light and love. I understand now there is balance of good and evil in this world, and lots and lots of gray. But the brightness and beauty pops out even more in contrast with the dullness and ugliness. I'm grateful I got the help that I needed and will continue to better myself.

I found a website that has links on how to help a depressed person, It offers tips on what to say and what not to say, as well as when to call for help. This is not to be taken lightly and I do hope if you see someone who is too helpless to ask for it, that you will step up and reach for that person, throw a safety ring, get in a boat, or go to the person (and with extra assistance if needed). It's not your full responsibility to help a depressed person because ultimately, they will have to make the decision to save themselves. But being there to help if you can will make a difference. 

Letting Go: It's So Metal.

One of my favorite guided meditations is an Honest Guys one about letting go. 

I imagined I was in a safe garden and had balloons representing things I needed to let go. At first I thought, well, it's bad to release balloons in the air, where is this going? But I stayed with it. I didn't want to give the balloons pretty colors, so I thought of yucky colors.

The first color was a murky blackish red, it almost looked toxic congealed blood. This one represented the negative past romantic relationships I had.

The second color was black, but it was like the "pit of despair" kind of black. Not a slick, shiny black, but the kind you look at and you just feel like you could fall into it and be miserable. This one represented past sexual trauma.

The third color was a gross pus - like yellow orange. Like pus mixed with a little bit of blood. This one represented the mental and emotional distress I experienced, as well as the stigma from having a previous mental illness diagnosis. In the past I had been hospitalized and medicated.

The fourth color was a rotten green, that looked like decay. This one represented my low self-esteem and the need to be perfect. I don't have to compare myself to others and wish I am all "caught up" to everyone else.

As the guided meditation went on, it said to imagine trying to let go of one of the balloons, but it sticks to you.

You're probably wondering what's so positive about all of this.

Letting go is difficult.  But then you relax and acknowledge the pain, you just let it go and watch it float up into the air. It then pops. The string disappeared too, by the way.

So you let go of each of the balloons. They all float up, one by one, and pop. 

I felt a lot better afterwards. Guided meditation is a powerful self-healing tool for me. I noticed I haven't been feeling as bogged down with the past.

My acupressure instructor (also a licensed acupuncturist) had us pick an element or an alternative method of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) to do a  brief report on. I picked the metal element, since I'm a metal rooster. Metal governs the large intestine and the lungs. Psychologically, it relates to grief and sadness but also inspiration and wisdom. Autumn signifies letting go of negative influences and making room for positive influences.

A person with a balanced metal energy is conscientious, well-organized, and self-disciplined. The lungs are full of Qi energy and protect us from illness. Emotionally, we let go of what no longer serves us. Digestion is smooth and easy. Metal imbalance includes susceptibility to colds, allergies, and shortness of breath. The lung meridian also affects the skin, so rashes, eczema, and sweating problems can be related to a metal imbalance. Constipation (and other bowel problems) can afflict those who have a metal imbalance and can manifest in a form of depression because a person has a hard time letting go.

I'm not sure if they're coincidences, but I look back to the times when I was under extreme stress and had bouts of depression. I noticed I had digestive problems and/or allergy flare ups.  It was horrible. Eating certain food would give me negative digestive reactions ranging from gas to diarrhea to vomiting. I had acid reflux and had to take Prilosec. I was pescatarian for seven years then gluten free for nearly three years because any time I ate land animals and later anything with wheat, my body didn't like it. I always had sinus infections because I used to live in a place with carpeting and worked in a place that had a lot of dust. At one point my left nostril felt permanently clogged. I even went back to smoking regularly at one point because I was so stressed. I still occasionally bum cigarettes if I'm out but I'm working on it.

After I reduced the stress and changed my home and work environments, my digestive and allergy issues gradually lessened. I'm still mostly pescatarian, but I cautiously reintroduced land animals and wheat. Bacon was the gateway meat for me, haha. I don't need to take any meds for acid reflux and allergies anymore. I do get affected by the vog, but I can feel the difference between having vog-induced sinus problems and a dust allergy flare-up. Everyone is different and with the help of my GP and allergist, I was able to break away from being dependent on allergy and acid reflux meds. I've also weaned myself off of meds for mental illness with the help of a therapist and psychiatrist. Every month i check in with my MDs to make sure I'm doing okay. Again, each person is different so I'm not telling everyone to get off their meds.

In TCM, autumn is also a good time to get rid of material possessions that no longer have any value to you. I usually get rid of things seasonally. Mostly I have old papers that I need to file or shred, so I need to get myself a filing box and to dig out the shredder. I don't allow myself to buy new clothes unless I get rid of some of them. I do have some clothes and kitchen appliances that I'm hanging on to but plan to get rid of. Perhaps I should pick up Marie Kondo's book for some pointers.

It's mind-blowing to me that I unintentionally tied in my metal element research with the guided meditation of letting go I recently started doing. We technically don't have four seasons in Hawai'i. I, however, like the idea of looking at how time passes in cycles here, too, and incorporating how other cultures mark the passage of time.

I love learning about different cultures and how similar and different they are. I am fortunate to have grown up in places that had diverse cultures and to have open minded parents. Mostly, I see how similar they are, particularly the connection to nature.

I had no idea massage school would be such a soul-searching type of experience, but I'm glad to be exposed to various types of philosophies and modalities. There's so much more out there to learn but it's so exhilarating to deepen my knowledge.

Autumn is around the corner, but why not get a head start? Clear the air, clear the bad shit. Make room for growth. Take a deep breath. Ahhhh, so much better! That's so frickin' metal.

Bring Da Pain (To Da Table)

In three in a half weeks, I'll be finished with my massage therapy program. At first I thought I should wait until the last week to write about my thoughts on how I've felt about the program so far but I felt like writing something now. We are required to log 100 hours of massage clinic, but so far I've done 130. I needed to make up the 22 hours I lost before starting clinic. I took time off for a few mom things, from my car accident, and ear surgery. I could technically stop taking in clients since I've made more than enough but I'd rather practice and earn more hours. Who knows where I'll end up after my son graduates from high school (in 2020), I may end up somewhere else or will need x amount of hours for more certifications. In Hawai'i, we're required to have a minimum of 570 hours and we have our own state board licensing exam. Some other states require a national certification exam, so it really depends where you live.

My Lomi Lomi instructor required us to write journals during his class. He thinks we should constantly take time for self reflection. It's been helping me a lot with gathering my thoughts and processing what has happened to me lately. I used to have journals in hardcover books with unlined pages, but I moved around and got rid of volumes of journals filled with negative thoughts and awful memories. Sometimes, I regret throwing them away because I occasionally want see how far I've come. At the same time, I tell myself it's part of letting go. As I mentioned in my uber-long catch up post, I recently started a gratitude journal as part of a Sean Anchor exercise. Tonight will be my last entry in the 21 day happiness challenge and it's been so helpful. I noticed I've complained a lot less and am not as anxious. I did have a PMS-related meltdown but that's normal for me. I included that in a gratitude journal entry, actually. I think I will continue making gratitude journal entries since it's a healthy habit for me.

I've been processing what my Lomi instructor brought up last week. He reads our journals but doesn't personally reply to them. Instead, he replies to us in front of the class, but doesn't address us individually. The journals I sent him have been pretty personal, since he said he doesn't share them with anyone else. I figured if I wanted to learn more about myself, that I should be as vulnerable as possible. I'm going to paraphrase what he said last week in response to some of our journal entries: "All of that pain you've had...you bring it with you to your [massage] table. The emotional pain, the physical pain. You know what it's like to hurt and to use that in a way to help people". When you're hurt, you want someone to help you. I've decided to be that someone. At least I will do what I can. My Lomi teacher said it's not about giving the deepest pressure and getting every single knot out. We can only do so much with the capacity of our strength. Sometimes there isn't enough allotted time in the session to get every single knot. It's the genuine intent from the therapist that will help bring relief to the client.

I'm grateful for all of those who allowed me to help them in some way with relieving their pain. Some of them are my friends, others are acquaintances and others were complete strangers who became clients. I've seen scars from injuries: accidents, surgeries, or even from self-harm. I can tell if someone's overworked or pushing themselves a little bit too much (physically and/or mentally). Some of the people I worked on aren't always forthcoming about what troubles (or troubled) them, usually from inner turmoil and stress. They tell me they feel fine, but sometimes their bodies show otherwise. I do my best to honor and respect the space and time we've allowed to take care of a client. Everyone has their varying degrees of comfort levels and I don't want anyone to feel unsafe.

The body stores a lot of memories, and massages, especially deep tissue massage, can cause an emotional reaction. Sighing, laughing, muscle twitching, and crying are common reactions. No judgement here. Massage is a healing touch the provides tension release and the client can always stop the session if there are any negative memories that are brought up. We are taught to be mindful of our clients by creating boundaries, checking in with how they are feeling, and asking for permission from them.

Being open to others, however, doesn't mean to let my guard down. As massage therapists, it's important to protect ourselves from energy burnout. I've done a lot of self care and established boundaries as a hairstylist since there is touch interaction with our clients, but it is definitely nowhere near as much as doing bodywork. Self awareness of physical and emotional health is especially important as a bodyworker. Staying grounded, keeping a protective energy barrier for yourself, and cleansing (shaking out the hands and hand washing) after a session are some ways I take care of myself during when I'm in clinic.

I'm not an expert on massage, obviously, but I'm enthusiastic about discovering what I'm capable of on the table and in life in general. Thirty-four years have passed but parts of me feel like I'm much older. Wiser? Not quite. Other parts of me still feel like I haven't "grown up" yet but I'm not too worried about it. There's so much more out there to experience but they will happen in due time. I've fallen down and gotten back up numerous occasions. I recall seeing a kintsukuroi meme online and I do feel like it fits me.

A couple of years ago I found a fantastic Elephant Journal post about Akhilandeshvari, a Hindu goddess of Never Not Broken. She is constantly in flux and rejects her fear while riding on a crocodile. I look back at this article every now and then, to remind myself that I'm doing just fine.

One of the things my mom has said to me since I was a little kid is I'm "lakas ng loob". In Tagalog that roughly means "strong of inside", or strong-willed. I think being lakas ng loob has given me the drive to stay motivated and not be so easily discouraged. 

Pain can be your teacher. I'm not saying to actively seek pain, but I'm saying that suffering can teach you a lot about yourself. It can make you look at how you want to solve your problems, how to alleviate the pain. It can make you more empathetic towards others...at least I hope so. There are people out there who believe unhappy people deserve their misfortunes. You're not my friend if you feel that way. 

Throughout my life I had depression and eventually sought out professional help. I'm so appreciative of all the help and support I've gotten through the years to manage it. Acknowledging pain is one of the most valuable things I've done to improve my well-being. Everyone deals with pain differently, and I'm working on figuring out what works for me. In the meantime, I'll continue to take what I've endured, understand it to my utmost ability, and be of service to others (to the extent of my personal boundaries) while taking care of myself.