Reach, Throw, Row, Go

What do you do when someone you care about is drowning in sorrow? You can't just leave that person flailing around, but you don't want to go down with them. You can't tread water with them the whole time because eventually, you'll both get tired. They may not want to go with you to a safer place. They may refuse to take the lifesaver.There comes a point when it's beyond your capabilities, and you need to call the lifeguard and get the rescue equipment, and the whole boat full of the rescue team.

Depression can really make life seem so difficult, where everything is bleak and not worth fighting for. As a person who experienced clinical depression, taken medication, and hospitalized a few times, it's definitely not something to be taken lightly. I've thankfully recovered, but it hurts when there are people out there, especially those who I care about, who have fallen into that hole. 

There have been times when I was near death by my own hand. It's hard to believe I put myself in those situations but it's really scary to think I could have thrown everything away. Dealing with the guilt afterwards was another thing, but eventually I moved on by letting go and moving forward. Other times, I was near death by accidents, and afterwards I fell into depression, too, because I thought to myself, why can't I get a break?

Even if you're in the darkness, if all you see is the dark and terrible things, that's all you'll see. I could have given up numerous times, but I desperately fought my way to light and love. I understand now there is balance of good and evil in this world, and lots and lots of gray. But the brightness and beauty pops out even more in contrast with the dullness and ugliness. I'm grateful I got the help that I needed and will continue to better myself.

I found a website that has links on how to help a depressed person, It offers tips on what to say and what not to say, as well as when to call for help. This is not to be taken lightly and I do hope if you see someone who is too helpless to ask for it, that you will step up and reach for that person, throw a safety ring, get in a boat, or go to the person (and with extra assistance if needed). It's not your full responsibility to help a depressed person because ultimately, they will have to make the decision to save themselves. But being there to help if you can will make a difference. 

Ditch the Karma Chameleon and Become a Karma Butterfly!

What I love about the meaning of "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club is that if you aren't true to yourself and act like how you feel, then you get "karma-justice". It's nature's way of paying you back. You're editing yourself to please people. Dang, Boy George, that's deep. Another reason why I love this song is they borrowed the "karma chameleon" phrase from Toots and the Maytals, from the song "In the Dark". It also has what I'm hoping is a Riddler from Batman reference.

We've all made some poor choices and at times compromised ourselves one way or another. I'm definitely not an exception. My ego has gotten the best of me and totally came back to bite me in the ass. I've gone after a guy a friend was interested in even though I myself didn't really care much for, just to create unnecessary competition. I've done my fair share of not saying nice things to people. Did I feel good about doing all of those things? At the time, maybe. I've lost some friends that way, maybe even respect from others because of poor choices I've made. Tying back to last week's post about learning how to say no, doing things out of feeling like there is an obligation, out of guilt, is also lying to yourself. You'll have to pay for that, too.

I don't feel like I'm any better than anyone, but I do feel like I'm more aware of and am working to be more mindful of my words and actions. I think it's better to acknowledge that I've been a shitty person at times but am working on becoming better to myself and others. I could have chosen to know I've done and said less than favorable things without making any efforts to improve myself as a person. Which would you choose?

I don't regret, am ashamed, or feel bad my past, because those experiences brought me to who am today. I've been choosing to be the best version of myself so I don't cheat myself out of truly experiencing life. At one point, I constantly felt like I was lying to myself. Sometimes I still get little slivers of doubt cutting into me, but it passes.

I just realized there's a Korean pop group called Girls Generation (aka SNSD) that has a song titled "Karma Butterfly". Its lyrics have similar themes to what I think of as a Karma Butterfly. Nice to know I'm in good company. As a Karma Butterfly, you allow yourself to consume what's good for you, process it, and emerge as a beautiful being that nourishes itself with sweetness as it travels to many gardens.

It's Okay to Say No.

I'm a people-pleaser. I can't help it. I love helping make people feel better and contributing my skills to help the people I adore. It used to worry me if someone wasn't happy, especially if I couldn't do as well of a job as I hoped it would. There have been times when I would compromise myself because I would feel bad and worry that I couldn't be there for someone because, oh gosh, I wouldn't have been asked to help if they thought I wasn't capable for doing the requested job (or favor). Afterwards, I would feel exhausted and that the quality of the work wasn't as good as it could have been to my standards. Then the cycle starts again.

Recovery on my low back and left hip is taking a lot longer than I would like. It's a huge test on my patience and boundaries. This past Saturday, I auditioned for a play for fun. It felt so great to play on stage and interact with everyone. I figured out how I would make things work if I was in the production. On Sunday, I spent three hours decluttering my room, sorting out what to keep, donate/give away, and throw away. I was inspired by my Letting Go post. It was cathartic since it was time for change. I didn't do anything that would contort my body in weird ways, I didn't do any heavy lifting. I took my time, took breaks by stretching and resting. At the end of my decluttering session, I could feel the low back and left hip firing up. I was happy I organized my dresser and closet (trying to do it by categories the Marie Kondo way) but felt frustrated that I started hurting again. I was mad. I did everything "right", but I still felt like crap. But I listened to my body.

On Monday, I got offered a role in the play and I sadly had to turn it down. It wasn't the right time to take on another huge project with a commitment of seven weeks. Rehearsals start next week, just when I finished 11 months of massage school. I wouldn't have been able to give my best if I was still juggling pain management treatments. There needs to be breathing room, to clear out what doesn't serve me at home, and to just pause. I need to be grounded before taking on something else major.

Previously, I would have jumped into doing another project. I would tell myself, it's okay, I can work through the stuff that's bothering me, just push it aside. In the beginning, after the car accident, I thought I should have quit massage school. I'm glad I didn't, though. I took breaks when I needed to, and still made up hours. I banked on some extra hours. Thankfully I have the extra hours because I had to cancel my appointments today since the increased pain caused me to lose sleep. My clients were understanding, and we plan to do practice sessions when I feel better since I will need to keep my skills up. I didn't feel bad about it, and they weren't angry that I had to cancel.

Later on today I will be having a deep 2 hour body work session by a therapist recommended to me by a friend who's experienced a lot of body trauma from injuries. My friend warned me that it won't be a pleasant massage at all, but I'm fine with that. When I texted the therapist this morning, I said I'm ready for deep work that will make me cry bucket loads of grateful, cleansing tears. I know it's going to be tortuously painful, but sometimes you have to go through that to feel better. I'm not afraid of it because there are parts that are still locked up but need to be released.

When I spent so much time helping others, I often forgot about helping myself. Many times I've neglected spending time with loved ones, getting a haircut, eating healthier, getting a massage, sorting through my stuff, and resting just to give myself to others when I should have politely declined, taken time for myself instead, or rescheduled.  If you're a people-pleaser, it's important to give yourself the same value of the time you give to others. This also doesn't mean to do a complete turn-around and not help people at all. Listen to your body if it's telling you something doesn't feel right. Just pause for a moment and remind yourself you don't have to do everything now because you're asked to and you're obligated, and, and.... Seriously, it's okay to not answer that text or email right away, or say you'll get back to them, or say no. They're not right for your life, anyway, if they cause a big fuss just because you're establishing your boundaries. It's tough, it may hurt, but it will feel better.

Teach and Be Kind to Reach Open Minds

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about teachers I had during my formative years. I've had some great ones, and some awful ones. Quite a few of my clients and some friends are teachers as well so I like to hear about what they go through.

I give grade school teachers (particularly public school teachers) a lot of credit. It's tough to be able to keep your cool while some students have meltdowns, are disruptive, or just plain unmotivated. There's all this bureaucracy, standards, lack of budget, and countless odds stacked against them. There's parents who think teachers are glorified babysitters who HAVE to pass their students. Oh, please. If your kid didn't do the work, it's up to the student to own up to their responsibilities. Parents can't just swoop in every time their kid makes a mistake, especially if their children are old enough to know about their consequences.

It takes a special kind of person to be able to tolerate all of that and more, and to be passionate enough to show up day in and day out. When my son was in 6th and 7th grade, I volunteered at his school often: served lunch, helped with physical activities, attended parent committee meetings, chaperoned dances. I was able to see the students and teachers in different settings and sometimes got to be a fly on the wall. At one point I thought I could get into teaching grade school. After volunteering and listening to grade school teachers' perspectives, I decided it would be better if I stick to volunteering and to teaching in other ways.

During my freshman year of high school, I transferred from Hawai'i to Florida during winter break. I was blown away with how different it was for me when I first moved there. I ended up in Dade County in South Florida, with its prevalent Latin culture, cold fronts, 95 South (the Interstate Highway, but you can count the musical group), South Beach, and much more. Dade County has a special place in my heart.

My freshman year high school English teacher in Florida, Ms. B, left an impression on me.  I think her class was my first class of the day. I was late to class because I spent the morning picking my classes since I couldn't do any registration during the holiday break. I remember the unnerving feeling of seeing a bunch of heads stopping and turning to look at me when I opened the classroom door.

My English teacher seemed really cool, she was probably in her mid-twenties. We did a lot of fun in-class activities and projects. Ms. B played music at the beginning of each class while we did a free-writing activity. Some students chose to write notes to each other (it was the mid-nineties, after all), or wrote random things. There was no penalty for the content of your writing material, you just had to write continuously for the entire length of the song. She was really into Tori Amos, Alanis Morissette, and Queensryche, and sometimes used their lyrics in tests. Once, she had a Tori Amos CD as a prize for the highest score in a test. I unfortunately didn't get it, and was pretty bummed. Ms. B was also a singer-songwriter.

Ms. B also had us do fun  group projects and activities. In one group, we made a film trailer for A Tale of Two Cities, where I had my first taste of male drag and film making with a larger group. Our class got to update a scene "Romeo and Juliet" because the Baz Luhrman version was popular at the time. We had to get permission slips signed by our parents to see the Zeffirelli version in class because of Olivia Hussey's boobs. She took us to see "Hamlet" and I was enamored with the black box production. It was simple with minimal set but Renaissance-era costumes, with a Latin actor as Hamlet. I thought (and still think) it was awesome the director casted a Latin actor to play the lead.

I had quite a few awesome teachers during grade school but I think Ms. B was the first to influence me in my interest in Shakespeare as well as furthering my interests in literature, writing, performing, and film. She showed me that teachers don't necessarily have to be fuddy-duddies and actually had interesting lives outside of the classroom. She also incorporated her hobbies and personality into class material. Oh, and she was also good with feedback. We had to write our reactions to a set of chapters from whatever novel we studied. I also remember once showing her the passages I highlighted in A Tale of Two Cities. When she showed me her copy and we noticed we highlighted some of the same ones, I remember wanting to do a little victory dance.

Ms. B doesn't teach high school anymore, but I found out she got into life coaching. She freelances as a writer and also continues to be a singer/songwriter. She also yoga, chanting, and photography. I haven't reached out to her yet but I plan to. I'm not sure if she'll remember me but it's not a big deal if she doesn't since she had many students through the years. If anything, I just want to extend my gratitude to her for being a positive influence in my life.

I really appreciate the effort that passionate and hard-working teachers put in to enrich their students' lives. I'm fortunate that my son has some really great teachers at his school who are great at communicating. It's like we're all a team working together to bring out the best in him, but we're not sugar-coating everything. We've had struggles with him getting organized, turning work in on time, putting his things away (and remembering where they are). He's come so far from the kid who constantly misplaced his reusable water bottles, lunch containers, lunch bags, homework, and text books to someone who is more accountable for his actions. It was tough love but I think being able to be in touch with his teachers really helped. He still has a ways to go but there's remarkable improvement. I also think since he's now in eighth grade, he realizes he really has to step up his game. At the end of the school year, the eighth graders need to do a portfolio defense, showing evidence that they are ready to progress to ninth grade.

Teaching grade school isn't for everyone. I know the burnout rate is pretty high, particularly for public school teachers. Once you lose that passion, move on. You're not helping anyone, including yourself. For those die-hard teachers out there, I applaud you. Parents/guardians, loved ones, and the child all need to be involved in doing their parts. I understand it's not the teacher's sole job to shape their students' minds, but you do spend a chunk of time with them during the school week.  Thank you for getting in the trenches and being in the front lines for shaping the youth.

Letting Go: It's So Metal.

One of my favorite guided meditations is an Honest Guys one about letting go. 

I imagined I was in a safe garden and had balloons representing things I needed to let go. At first I thought, well, it's bad to release balloons in the air, where is this going? But I stayed with it. I didn't want to give the balloons pretty colors, so I thought of yucky colors.

The first color was a murky blackish red, it almost looked toxic congealed blood. This one represented the negative past romantic relationships I had.

The second color was black, but it was like the "pit of despair" kind of black. Not a slick, shiny black, but the kind you look at and you just feel like you could fall into it and be miserable. This one represented past sexual trauma.

The third color was a gross pus - like yellow orange. Like pus mixed with a little bit of blood. This one represented the mental and emotional distress I experienced, as well as the stigma from having a previous mental illness diagnosis. In the past I had been hospitalized and medicated.

The fourth color was a rotten green, that looked like decay. This one represented my low self-esteem and the need to be perfect. I don't have to compare myself to others and wish I am all "caught up" to everyone else.

As the guided meditation went on, it said to imagine trying to let go of one of the balloons, but it sticks to you.

You're probably wondering what's so positive about all of this.

Letting go is difficult.  But then you relax and acknowledge the pain, you just let it go and watch it float up into the air. It then pops. The string disappeared too, by the way.

So you let go of each of the balloons. They all float up, one by one, and pop. 

I felt a lot better afterwards. Guided meditation is a powerful self-healing tool for me. I noticed I haven't been feeling as bogged down with the past.

My acupressure instructor (also a licensed acupuncturist) had us pick an element or an alternative method of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) to do a  brief report on. I picked the metal element, since I'm a metal rooster. Metal governs the large intestine and the lungs. Psychologically, it relates to grief and sadness but also inspiration and wisdom. Autumn signifies letting go of negative influences and making room for positive influences.

A person with a balanced metal energy is conscientious, well-organized, and self-disciplined. The lungs are full of Qi energy and protect us from illness. Emotionally, we let go of what no longer serves us. Digestion is smooth and easy. Metal imbalance includes susceptibility to colds, allergies, and shortness of breath. The lung meridian also affects the skin, so rashes, eczema, and sweating problems can be related to a metal imbalance. Constipation (and other bowel problems) can afflict those who have a metal imbalance and can manifest in a form of depression because a person has a hard time letting go.

I'm not sure if they're coincidences, but I look back to the times when I was under extreme stress and had bouts of depression. I noticed I had digestive problems and/or allergy flare ups.  It was horrible. Eating certain food would give me negative digestive reactions ranging from gas to diarrhea to vomiting. I had acid reflux and had to take Prilosec. I was pescatarian for seven years then gluten free for nearly three years because any time I ate land animals and later anything with wheat, my body didn't like it. I always had sinus infections because I used to live in a place with carpeting and worked in a place that had a lot of dust. At one point my left nostril felt permanently clogged. I even went back to smoking regularly at one point because I was so stressed. I still occasionally bum cigarettes if I'm out but I'm working on it.

After I reduced the stress and changed my home and work environments, my digestive and allergy issues gradually lessened. I'm still mostly pescatarian, but I cautiously reintroduced land animals and wheat. Bacon was the gateway meat for me, haha. I don't need to take any meds for acid reflux and allergies anymore. I do get affected by the vog, but I can feel the difference between having vog-induced sinus problems and a dust allergy flare-up. Everyone is different and with the help of my GP and allergist, I was able to break away from being dependent on allergy and acid reflux meds. I've also weaned myself off of meds for mental illness with the help of a therapist and psychiatrist. Every month i check in with my MDs to make sure I'm doing okay. Again, each person is different so I'm not telling everyone to get off their meds.

In TCM, autumn is also a good time to get rid of material possessions that no longer have any value to you. I usually get rid of things seasonally. Mostly I have old papers that I need to file or shred, so I need to get myself a filing box and to dig out the shredder. I don't allow myself to buy new clothes unless I get rid of some of them. I do have some clothes and kitchen appliances that I'm hanging on to but plan to get rid of. Perhaps I should pick up Marie Kondo's book for some pointers.

It's mind-blowing to me that I unintentionally tied in my metal element research with the guided meditation of letting go I recently started doing. We technically don't have four seasons in Hawai'i. I, however, like the idea of looking at how time passes in cycles here, too, and incorporating how other cultures mark the passage of time.

I love learning about different cultures and how similar and different they are. I am fortunate to have grown up in places that had diverse cultures and to have open minded parents. Mostly, I see how similar they are, particularly the connection to nature.

I had no idea massage school would be such a soul-searching type of experience, but I'm glad to be exposed to various types of philosophies and modalities. There's so much more out there to learn but it's so exhilarating to deepen my knowledge.

Autumn is around the corner, but why not get a head start? Clear the air, clear the bad shit. Make room for growth. Take a deep breath. Ahhhh, so much better! That's so frickin' metal.