Recovery on my low back and left hip is taking a lot longer than I would like. It's a huge test on my patience and boundaries. This past Saturday, I auditioned for a play for fun. It felt so great to play on stage and interact with everyone. I figured out how I would make things work if I was in the production. On Sunday, I spent three hours decluttering my room, sorting out what to keep, donate/give away, and throw away. I was inspired by my Letting Go post. It was cathartic since it was time for change. I didn't do anything that would contort my body in weird ways, I didn't do any heavy lifting. I took my time, took breaks by stretching and resting. At the end of my decluttering session, I could feel the low back and left hip firing up. I was happy I organized my dresser and closet (trying to do it by categories the Marie Kondo way) but felt frustrated that I started hurting again. I was mad. I did everything "right", but I still felt like crap. But I listened to my body.
On Monday, I got offered a role in the play and I sadly had to turn it down. It wasn't the right time to take on another huge project with a commitment of seven weeks. Rehearsals start next week, just when I finished 11 months of massage school. I wouldn't have been able to give my best if I was still juggling pain management treatments. There needs to be breathing room, to clear out what doesn't serve me at home, and to just pause. I need to be grounded before taking on something else major.
Previously, I would have jumped into doing another project. I would tell myself, it's okay, I can work through the stuff that's bothering me, just push it aside. In the beginning, after the car accident, I thought I should have quit massage school. I'm glad I didn't, though. I took breaks when I needed to, and still made up hours. I banked on some extra hours. Thankfully I have the extra hours because I had to cancel my appointments today since the increased pain caused me to lose sleep. My clients were understanding, and we plan to do practice sessions when I feel better since I will need to keep my skills up. I didn't feel bad about it, and they weren't angry that I had to cancel.
Later on today I will be having a deep 2 hour body work session by a therapist recommended to me by a friend who's experienced a lot of body trauma from injuries. My friend warned me that it won't be a pleasant massage at all, but I'm fine with that. When I texted the therapist this morning, I said I'm ready for deep work that will make me cry bucket loads of grateful, cleansing tears. I know it's going to be tortuously painful, but sometimes you have to go through that to feel better. I'm not afraid of it because there are parts that are still locked up but need to be released.
When I spent so much time helping others, I often forgot about helping myself. Many times I've neglected spending time with loved ones, getting a haircut, eating healthier, getting a massage, sorting through my stuff, and resting just to give myself to others when I should have politely declined, taken time for myself instead, or rescheduled. If you're a people-pleaser, it's important to give yourself the same value of the time you give to others. This also doesn't mean to do a complete turn-around and not help people at all. Listen to your body if it's telling you something doesn't feel right. Just pause for a moment and remind yourself you don't have to do everything now because you're asked to and you're obligated, and, and.... Seriously, it's okay to not answer that text or email right away, or say you'll get back to them, or say no. They're not right for your life, anyway, if they cause a big fuss just because you're establishing your boundaries. It's tough, it may hurt, but it will feel better.
